The meaning of the word ‘but’…

Wed, Jan 20, 2010

This very simple word, ‘but’, which is used in many languages, has a very profound meaning that most people do not notice. We tend to use this word very much, yet underestimate its power.

Structure of ‘but’ sentences

There are a few ways that people use this word and we will look at one that is of most interest to us. It is the type of sentence that contains sub-sentences:

<sub-sentence>, but <sub-sentence>

This structure is used very often in normal day to day conversations. Let’s have a look at this example:

I would go by foot, but it is raining

The first sub-sentence is ‘I would go by foot’ and the second one is ‘it is raining’. The message delivered by this sentence is obviously that this person will not go by foot. And will probably take the car instead.

Use of ‘but’ sentences

Why is this so important? Because we use this structure in conversation for a specific reason: to deny the other person’s opinion. And we all do it, without even noticing it.

How often have you said something like this:

You have a valid point, but…

When you say something like this you are actually sending a completely different message. You are sending this message:

You do not have a valid point. Because…

Why don’t we pick up on this hidden meaning then?

The subconscious meaning

We don’t pick up consciously. Consciously we tend to hear only that the other person has a valid point. Or when someone says this to you, you hear that you have a valid point.

While this is true for your conscious level of understanding, your subconscious will pick up on this blatant denial. When you utter such a sentence, your unconscious will create a feeling towards the other person that says ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about‘.

If someone else says the same sentence to you, your subconscious will create a feeling towards the speaker that says ‘you are full of it‘.

So in either case we create a bad feeling when we use the word ‘but’ in such a situation and with such structure.

Becoming aware

You should now be aware of the fact that we tend to use this word in a destructive way. So how do we turn this around?

First you need to become aware of how many times you are using this word. I used to use this word all the time. Once I noticed that I did, it started to annoy me enough to change it.

So the first step is to take a few days actively becoming aware of how often you use it (or it is used against you) and identifying the feeling that it creates.

Replacing the word ‘but’

Once you have come to the conclusion you want to start changing your vocabulary, you are ready to introduce the first step. It is simply to replace the word ‘but’ by another word.

I like to replace the word ‘but’ with ‘only I believe’. This means that I have to restructure the second sub-sentence:

You have a valid point, only I believe …

This is a very different way to start the second sentence. It takes away the negativity and communicates along the lines of ‘I respect your opinion, only I do not share it’. Which is significantly better.

The final step

Once you are comfortable with this rephrasing, you can continue with the last step. The last step actually may reintroduce the word ‘but’ into your sentences. Having made the replacement, you should now be comfortable phrasing the second sub-sentence in a nicer way.

The final step consists of completely focussing on the underlying message that you are sending. So instead of just blurting out a sentence, you try to understand the message you are sending. So the previous sentence could be phrased as:

You have a valid point, but I do not share your opinion, could you explain it to me?

This approach takes away your own point. Now why would you do such a thing? Simple, to get the other person in a listening position. A position where you can influence him. This consequently puts you in the position where he can influence you. Which is exactly what you want because you want to come to an agreement, not a fight.

So you now start from their point of view. Let the other person explain how he sees things. Then start discussing from there, in tiny steps. This is much more effective then using the ‘but’ sentence. A ‘but’ sentence will neither change your view, nor the view of the other person.

Conclusion

If you grasp the underlying idea of what message you are sending with the words you are choosing, you can apply this on every conversation you have. It doesn’t only concern the word ‘but’. Your subconscious is always listening and creating feelings to go along with the words you utter.

For example if you say ‘I am happy’ every hour you will feel happier then when you say ‘I feel miserable’ every hour, even if you actually feel the same. That is your subconscious listening in on your conversations.

With this knowledge you can go and choose the message you want to communicate. If you want to push someone into a corner, use the ‘but’ sentence. I find it more constructive to avoid it, but in the end it is up to you to choose your message.